Fathering Myself

My definition of and relationship to “Father” has evolved so much over the past several years. From an overview perspective: the relationship I had with my biological father growing up was deeply wounding. My 20’s were spent numbing and rebelling against the pains of childhood, while my 30’s were spent thawing out and diving into the hurt so I could heal. My 40’s are starting out to be about the cultivation of authentic being and living in alignment with Soul Purpose. 

When I did Death Lodge in Death Valley 5 years ago, little did I know the course of my life was taking a deeply transformational turn. In Death Valley I was visited by Raven Man, who over the course of 4 years, flew circles and spirals through my chakras, cawing me into accountability at each tier of being. In essence Raven Man was fathering me to vibrate at my highest frequency one chakra at a time.  

Last year I had a powerful Death Lodge experience with my biological father, and in the completion of his death, was able to release his name from mine. In this space, I was able to claim my new name,  deepening my embodiment of Raven medicine and my own ability to father myself. 

I recently met a man in the Rhythm Sanctuary community that sparked my interest and curiosity. In getting to know him, I discovered that he is a father. And to be honest, he looks and acts like one (whatever that means). The fact that I met someone who sparks my interest is cool, however, what’s so poignant about my interaction with him is a shift that has occurred in me.   

In the past, when I thought of Father, I always thought of it from the child’s point of view, to be more specific, from a little girls point of view, and if you want to drill all the way down, to my specific experience with Father. In the past, when I saw a father walking down the street with his little girl, the first thought that would pass through my head was “I wonder what that father does with his little girl behind closed doors.”

As I worked with Raven medicine over the years, my thoughts and relationship with Father have shifted, and this new man in the community has been a beautiful mirror for me to see just how much. When I heard he was a father (and of course when I looked at his pictures on Facebook), I first and foremost thought about him, as a man, as a father. There was no story line attached to him based upon my past relationship with Father; it is no longer applicable. My thoughts about father are from the father perspective, and not the wounded little girl perspective. Talk about a powerful shift in consciousness. 


What I am learning is that I can see a truer reflection of other as I release my stories of the past. As I let go of old belief systems, I am more capable of creating an authentically true interaction with life in every moment, in every breath, and in every relationship. I am so grateful for this journey, and all the lessons and medicines ingested along the way. Maturing is a fun process when you don’t have as much "baggage" to carry with you along the way.