Jun 23, 2013

Living the Question

SoulCollage card created by Raven Shree.
This is a card I created when I was contemplating
where I wanted to move, which ultimately lead me
from San Diego, CA to Denver, CO.

In my last blog I shared a little about some of the things I am learning from some physical things showing up in my body. “Living the Question” through this experience has been revolutionary, and is taking me into new realms of self discovery. 

As I moved through the pain and contemplation of death, one of the first questions I asked myself was “Do I want to Live?” I was not prepared for the space of silence to follow. I thought “Yes” would emerge spontaneously, however, that is not what happened. “No” didn’t come up either. So, there I was asking myself “Do I want to live?” and not having an answer. 

As I lived this question, I noticed myself putting my seat belt on, and looking both ways before crossing a street. Something inside of me was focused on living, however, this part of me seemed primal, and trained. I examined this reality deeper and came to see I’m doing these things less out of the fear of dying, and more out of the fear of pain. Physical pain, and I image emotional pain, are things I have a big aversion to. This fear is held in my somatic being and on some level prevents me from fully living. Its an oxymoron, I know. 

The next question I started asking myself was “What am I living for?” As I contemplated how I wanted to respond to the physicality of what was happening in my body, I thought it would be good to have something anchored in my consciousness to point me forward through the darkness. Once again, I found myself with no answer. I thought an answer would come up immediately, at least one thing I am living for. One thing that drives my heart towards passionate living. But nothing...I was coming up blank. 

I shared my experience with a few people; they attempted to give me responses. They want me to live. “You love nature” one said, yes, but I am not living for nature. “You love photography” one said, yes, but I am not living for it. These are things I’m doing while I am alive, they bring me joy, but they are not what I am living for. They are not my anchor points to get me through shadow, pain, or the possibility and reality of death. 

I continued to live the question “What am I living for?”, and it took me on a powerful journey of self discovery, perfect timing as I deepen my relationship to Raven Shree, and the new me that is emerging. My old persona, my old psyche, my old way of life no longer applies. Asking these basic fundamental questions was an important way of sinking into the new flesh of what is emerging in and through me. 

I lived this question for days and still no answer. As I settled into the silence, and stopped grasping and gripping for an answer, something started to emerge, a one word response that shocked me. I felt embarrassment for having this be my answer. Can this be what I am going to live for? It’s definitely not what drove my old person, in fact this one thing was something I ascribed to weakness and vulnerability. Yet, here I was getting clarity on what I am living for, and that is Love. 

Love as a full embodied presence in the moment, love for the wind, for evolution, for people, myself, animals, everything. Love. Wow. Ok. That is pretty fantabulous. I’ll hold on to that and live into this reality and see where it takes me. 

What questions are you living? What silence emerges as a response? And what truths filter up as new guideposts for your living? I welcome your comments and shares and would LOVE to hear from you. 

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