Dancing With No Name

A couple nights after my Death Lodge experience with my father it became clear to me that it was time to release his name from mine. I have been wanting a new name since I moved to Colorado, and it’s been interesting to experience how that intention is moving through. 

As part of my Naming Rites of Passage, I took this experience to the dance floor at Rhythm Sanctuary. My intention for our shamanic trance was to dance with no last name, and be in the experience of what that felt like. To dance in the release of my fathers energy, and see what spaces and possibilities open up due to his absence. 

At the end of our dance, we sit together in a community circle to share our experiences in trance and break fast by passing food around. It’s always interesting to see who spirit aligns you with week to week, to sit next to at the end. The evening I danced with no last name was no different. 

The man sitting to my right is new to the community, and I have a little bit of a crush on him. As we sat side by side in circle, I placed my right hand on his thigh. Being present in the moment of connection and observing what showed up. On my left, was a residual energy trail of my father leaving. On my right, a new presence of masculine energy.  These polarities pulled my chest open in both directions. How do I be in this experience with this man, without the legacy of my father dictating how I respond? How do I engage in this moment with no last name? What freedoms now exist for me to move into? Interesting questions? I image I will be exploring them for a while. 

Shree is my light. Shree is my medicine. 

Shree is what I offer the world. 

Shree is my new name. 

Dream Portal

I recently had a powerful Death Lodge experience that came in the form of Lucid Dreaming. 

I was called to the bedside of my dying father. I have not seen him for almost 25 years, so meeting him in my dream was poignant. I approached his bed and saw him in his concave, fragile body. I felt compassion for him, like I would anyone preparing to die, however, there was nothing else. 

Feeling compassion for him brought deep gratitude into my soul for all of the heart healing I’ve experienced since I left him. There was also a part of me that was sad. 

Sad I didn’t feel anything more for him. Sad there were no extra feelings. 

I woke up, drank some tea, shed tears of grief, and went back into dream state to visit him at his bedside. 

My father looked up at me, and said “Wow, you turned out good.”

I stood there, and received his compliment for the truth that it is.  

My first words to my father were; “I kept our agreement.”  

We looked at each other and absorbed the power of our “agreement”, 

made 25 years ago, and all the events that lead to its creation.

The “agreement” as proclaimed by my father, with gun in hand; 

Leave now. Never come back. You are dead to us. You are no longer a Holloway. 

We no longer have a daughter. We do not want to know if you are alive. 

Leave now. Never come back.

I took the “agreement” and left; it was better than the alternative. 

And now, here we are, in this dream portal, 

looking into each other eyes. Honoring our sturdy allegiance 

We both stood up to our end of the agreement 

I never went back. I never asked for help; No matter how bad things got. 

Even when I took care of my mothers mother, in her dying years, 

I never went back. I never asked for help. 

They held their end of the agreement as well. 

They did not reach out. They did not claim the role of parent. 

They watched from afar as the “dead girl” took care of gram. 

We have an agreement here, and to it we all stand. 

“Yes father, I turned out good.”

In spite of it all, I turned out good. 

I am creative, intelligent, independent, loving, passionate, driven, talented, amazing. 

In spite of all the darkness, in spite of all the fear and pain, 

there was enough light to get me through.  

And you father played a role in that. 

I lived with you for 16 years, you had an influence in my upbringing. 

So I give you credit for some of my light. 

What did I learn from you? 

I learned how to drive, and I learned how to fight. 

These are the two things I learned from you 

as far as lessons being passed down from the elders. 

However, in my self-observant adult nature, 

I have come to see that I also learned from you, 

how important the relationship is between a father and a daughter;

it is not a frivolous relationship, it matters.

I also learned from you, that the relationship a daughter has with her father

greatly influences her definition of masculine energy

which plays itself out in her adult relationships with men. 

This is what I have learned from you Father. 

Breathing into the truth of passing.  

I stood witness, to a man that greaty shaped my life. 

as he passed through the portal into death.