Fathering Myself

My definition of and relationship to “Father” has evolved so much over the past several years. From an overview perspective: the relationship I had with my biological father growing up was deeply wounding. My 20’s were spent numbing and rebelling against the pains of childhood, while my 30’s were spent thawing out and diving into the hurt so I could heal. My 40’s are starting out to be about the cultivation of authentic being and living in alignment with Soul Purpose. 

When I did Death Lodge in Death Valley 5 years ago, little did I know the course of my life was taking a deeply transformational turn. In Death Valley I was visited by Raven Man, who over the course of 4 years, flew circles and spirals through my chakras, cawing me into accountability at each tier of being. In essence Raven Man was fathering me to vibrate at my highest frequency one chakra at a time.  

Last year I had a powerful Death Lodge experience with my biological father, and in the completion of his death, was able to release his name from mine. In this space, I was able to claim my new name,  deepening my embodiment of Raven medicine and my own ability to father myself. 

I recently met a man in the Rhythm Sanctuary community that sparked my interest and curiosity. In getting to know him, I discovered that he is a father. And to be honest, he looks and acts like one (whatever that means). The fact that I met someone who sparks my interest is cool, however, what’s so poignant about my interaction with him is a shift that has occurred in me.   

In the past, when I thought of Father, I always thought of it from the child’s point of view, to be more specific, from a little girls point of view, and if you want to drill all the way down, to my specific experience with Father. In the past, when I saw a father walking down the street with his little girl, the first thought that would pass through my head was “I wonder what that father does with his little girl behind closed doors.”

As I worked with Raven medicine over the years, my thoughts and relationship with Father have shifted, and this new man in the community has been a beautiful mirror for me to see just how much. When I heard he was a father (and of course when I looked at his pictures on Facebook), I first and foremost thought about him, as a man, as a father. There was no story line attached to him based upon my past relationship with Father; it is no longer applicable. My thoughts about father are from the father perspective, and not the wounded little girl perspective. Talk about a powerful shift in consciousness. 


What I am learning is that I can see a truer reflection of other as I release my stories of the past. As I let go of old belief systems, I am more capable of creating an authentically true interaction with life in every moment, in every breath, and in every relationship. I am so grateful for this journey, and all the lessons and medicines ingested along the way. Maturing is a fun process when you don’t have as much "baggage" to carry with you along the way. 

Raven Medicine Download

On Winter Solstice 2008, 

I engaged in a 10 day Death Lodge process 

in Death Valley, CA. Little did I know, 

this ceremony was initiating my decent

 into the underworld of soul, 

an 8 year journey that would take me 

deep into my shadow wounds, 

and into the core of my being, 

renaming me in this process. 

Death Valley, CA 

During my Vision Quest in Death Valley, I was visited by Raven Man, 

an entity that entered my consciousness during medicine journey 

He cawed as he flew circles above me: 

“That which you want, you are not ready for. 
You are not vibrating at the frequency that will attract the energy you want. 
You are not ready.” 

“What do you mean I’m not ready? I’m spiritual. I teach workshops. Of course I’m ready.” But I knew Raven Man was right. I knew what my inner landscape was like. I knew the words I called myself, how I limited possibilities in my thoughts & inner dialogue, and how I was shut down by defense mechanisms against fuller living. I was not vibrating at the frequency of that which I wanted... and so my relationship with Raven Man began.

I took this medicine download and worked it rather diligently into my life. Over the course of a year, I worked it down into my Brow Chakra, witnessing patterns of thinking and imagining restrictive to my expansiveness. I channeled the medicine down into my Throat Chakra and worked the medicine into my inner dialogue, shifting the resonant vibration of my inner landscape. 

When I brought the medicine down into my Heart Chakra, I was again visited by Raven Man, this time in the form of a lucid dream. In the dream, I was walking along a strip mall. I looked to my left inside a shop, and through the plate glass window, saw Raven Man. This time he was not in the form of a bird, but in the form of a man. Our eyes locked. The power of the moment, and the gravity of our connection spooked me so much, I ran along the black asphalt of the parking lot and jumped into a frozen lake. Piercing the layer of thin ice, I plunged into the ice cold water, numbing myself. Raven Man came out of the store, pulled me from the frozen lake and cradled me in his arms, tending me back to warmth and life. I open my eyes. He walked away. I was still not ready. 

Oh my goodness! I’m still not ready! I've been working this medicine for 2 years! Are you serious! Committed to the process, I worked this energy down into my Solar Chakra, doing the work of aligning my actions and intentions with the power of my highest frequencies. In this process I found myself deep in conversation with Raven Man, his message was clear: “You are not going to meet me in San Diego. You need to move to the ecology of my species.” It was this message that planted the seed for my move from San Diego to Colorado. 

When I moved to Denver, I was instantly immersed in community that showed me a whole new definition of the masculine. I found myself surrounded by men, yummy juicy men, that were loving fathers, attentive lovers and joyful friends. These men owned their masculine energy and honored the feminine in sacred ways. This was a huge paradigm shift for me. This was not the model of masculine I grew up with. This new interaction with the masculine brought Raven Man energy down into my Sacral Chakra.  Dancing weekly in the sacred space of Rhythm Sanctuary enabled me to bring this medicine down into personal, embodied being...feeling it and being moved by it. 

Then winter came, my first one in Denver. I got consumed with living in snow and basement clearing that I forgot all about Raven Man. That is, until I bumped into a man soul that brought this energy back into my life full force. This interaction reignited Raven Man energy in my life, this time in flesh and blood right in front of me. I did not run into the frozen lake to numb myself, but rather stood my ground and claimed Raven Man energy in manifest Root Chakra form.   

This 3 year adventure of bringing the Divine Masculine down my Chakras in the form of Raven Man transformed me deeply. I came to see that I was Raven all along. Raven was not separate from me. It had been me all along, fathering myself through this transformation, mentoring my evolution. In this revelation, I merged with Raven and claimed it as my new name.   

Death Valley, CA. Image by Raven Shree 

Raven Man Introduction: Image by Raven Shree 

Eat. Pray. Love.

SoulCollage created by Raven Shree

The book “Eat. Pray. Love.” by Elizabeth Gilbert has had a powerful influence in my life. The
first time I read the book, I was inspired by the writing and the adventurous nature of the main character (Elizabeth). The second time I read the book, I was inspired to “get out of my marriage” to San Diego and move to Colorado. My third time interacting with this story line was through the movie starring Julia Roberts...and yet again, I was moved into deeper levels of self-awareness and the plot line of my own life. 

During the “Eat” portion of this adventure, the main character spends 4 months in Italy, with the sole intention of indulging in the pleasurable act of eating. During this time she is also separating herself from the pain of her past relationships, getting used to being alone, and also learning the sensual language of the new place she is living in. 

Having been in Denver for 8 months, I feel as if this is the stage I am moving through myself. Denver definitely has a new language of living, and it is quite sensual and pleasure based. As I explore this language, I am coming to deeper awareness around the theme of over-indulgence and how it influences various aspects of my life.   

In the second phase of this adventure, Elizabeth goes to India for 4 months to Pray. After months of indulgence in Italy, she finds it challenging to sit in silence and simply be with herself. I feel deep in my bones that I’m ready to move into my India stage. As I take steps towards creating this transition, I too am finding it difficult to sit in silence and be with myself. I’m easily distracted, I have a ton of excuses, and my mind is constantly on the go.   

One of the main turning points in India for Elizabeth is around the theme of forgiveness. As she deepens her daily practice of sitting with herself without all the distractions, she finds herself moving into deep stages of forgiveness, both for herself and others. This takes her into the peace she was searching for, and serves as a bridge for her transition her into the Bali stage of her adventure, where she ultimately finds love and happiness. 

As I deepen my daily practice, and sit in what bubbles up for me, without the over-indulgence of addictions and habits that numb me, I too will be able to open up to deeper levels of forgiveness, for others and myself. This is needed for me to move into my Bali stage, where I hope to enter into sacred union with other. Ultimately wanting a relationship that integrates the pleasures of Italy with the divinity of India into a merged union of Bali love and happiness. 

Thank you Elizabeth for having the courage to take this journey and for the inspiration to share your tale with others. Your book has inspired many people, myself included. I send blessings to everyone that you too can create sacred ways in your life to integrate pleasure, peace, and love in a way that enhances your life and all of those you come into contact with.  Lets keep inspiring one another. Nameste my friends. 

Why?

I recently celebrated my 3 month anniversary in my new home town of Denver, Colorado. Moving from San Diego to Denver had many people asking Why? For a lot of people, this did not seem like a logical move. To me it was a no-brainer. And while there were many feelings, desires, and events that lead to my final decision to move, here are a few of the important ones.

Space

In San Diego I lived in an 850 sq ft apartment. This space served me well for many years, however, I had outgrown it and was ready to live in a House with a Yard. Living in San Diego on a single income made this dream challenging to manifest, so I expanded the perimeter of what was possible in my life. During this exercise, old dreams of wanting to live in Colorado surfaced. It was also at this time that the Sacred Shortness of Life was brought to my attention. This encouraged me to take the leap and go for it. I said yes, surrendered to the Divine and let her lead the way. 

Photography

One of my deepest passions is Nature & Wildlife photography. I absolutely love it. It fulfills me on so many levels and is a form of deep meditation for me. Living in San Diego limited my access to Big Nature and I found myself taking lots of vacations to get "my photo groove" on. Colorado was a top consideration for my move as it would put me in the center of Wild, Rugged Nature. Living in Colorado these past 3 months has introduced me to a whole new range of bugs, birds, mammals, plants and trees to study, shoot and share with the world through my photography. 

Revitalization 

Having lived in San Diego most of my life (minus a few years as a teenager when I lived in Oklahoma), I was ready for a change. I was entrenched in habits, routines, relationships and energy patterns that no longer served my highest vibrational frequency. I was ready for big change and I knew that meant I had  to do something big. Moving to the other side of the mountains seemed to fit the bill. 

I enjoyed my first summer in Denver. You can see photos of it by following this link. I am excited about the change of seasons and getting some snow shots for my portfolio. Living through the seasons will put me into deeper communion with the divine cycles of nature, and also deepen my practice of authentic being. I give gratitude and thanks to the Divine for holding me during this transition. I am honored to be alive and to be a participant in this world community. 

When have you listened to the Call of Spirit and taken a leap? I would love to hear your stories of Surrender and Trust. Lets spread the word of Divine Grace throughout this blog by sharing our stories of True Alignment. 

Nameste. 

The Nose Knows & Remembers

I’ve had two powerful experiences with the sense of smell over the past month. One associated with a positive memory; the other with a not so wonderful memory. I’ll start with the good one first.

When I was little, my grandmother would drive me to the beach, and on the freeway off-ramp there was a particular smell I fell in love with. It was subtle and brief, but powerful and soul stirring none-the-less. Since the smell was on an off-ramp, it was hard to really saturate myself in it. I did my best through. It became an on-going experiment for me to determine the most efficient way to get the most of the smell? Take one long inhale, and go deep with it. Or take a series of short inhales and get a couple smaller ones in.

In my travels over the years, I’ve smelled this scent in a couple places, and although it’s always subtle, it never fails to soothe me down to the core. I’ve never known what plant was emitting the smell...that is until I moved to Denver. The smell is everywhere here! I went to REI in downtown Denver and was surrounded by the smell. It was wonderful to luxuriate in the scent, and not be concerned about efficiency or time management with my inhales.

I took a picture of the plant and sent it to my Shaman Priestess Friend in the Yukon to see what type of plant it is (she thinks it’s a species of Willow). When I was walking in the park next to my house, I smelled it again. I took a sample of the tree, with permission from the Tree Gods of course, and plan to take it to the Denver Botanical Gardens to determine the exact species so I can plant it in my yard.

When I cut the sample from the tree, I rubbed its sap into my fingertips, and walked around all day smelling my fingers. It was great. I want a perfume with this smell in it. I think I would make love to myself all day long simply through inhaling this plants juiciness. Willow, my lover. I smell you in. Thank you for your medicine.

And now, on to the other end of the smelling spectrum. I have a basement in my new house that is kinda spooky. I have traumatic experiences in my past that involve basements so I know that probably comes into play somehow. I had been in the house for 3 weeks and had not spent much time in the basement. I knew I had to go down there sometime, however, I was not inspired to spend any time down there.

As I was unpacking, I came across my Glade Plug-In wall scents. I decided to plug these into the basement, and let me tell you, it changed the whole ambiance down there. I realized that it was the smell more then anything that was triggering the spooky feeling for me. With that musty basement smell gone, the lower level of my home is much more inviting and I have started spending time down there decorating and getting it ready for guests.

Smell is a primal force in our life. It connects us to memories deep in the sub-terrian of our mind, and influences us in ways we are not even aware of. This month, I encourage you to explore the sense of smell in your life. What heals you? What repels you? How do you use smell as medicine in your life?

Feel free to share your comments and personal stories on this blog, I love hearing from you. Bright blessings to you all, and may this be a reminder to stop and smell your environment.

Moving to Denver

I am in the process of moving from San Diego, CA to Denver, CO. Last weekend I drove a 24” rental moving truck through the Mohave Desert and Colorado Rockies. My friend Todd accompanied me on the roady for a “Thelma & Louise” adventure (I’m Thelma).

On our 1200 mile road trip we stayed a night in Beaver, Utah and a night in Dillion, CO. I drove through a snow storm on the Vail Pass - CRAZY. I consider this my initiation into Colorado weather.

I had great moving help on both ends, and most of my stuff made it intact. My plants traveled very well...now they are getting used to the new conditions of this mile high city. I am so thankful for the opportunity to make this move and expand into this new beginning.

Eat. Pray. Love.

I am re-reading one of my favorite travel memoirs on my 2-week road trip through the Front Range. Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book is a cleverly constructed, and often times humorous, true story about a women, that when her life falls apart, sets off on a year long pilgrimage to find “worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence”. She travels to three different countries, spending four months in each.

She starts in Italy to Eat and experience the pleasure of yummy food. Then she spends 4 months in an ashram in India to Pray. It is here that she comes to more fully understand the Zen saying “You cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water." She concludes the year in Indonesia, where she lives in community to integrate Pleasure and God to experience and embrace balance and Love in her life.

The construct of this book serves as a perfect guidebook for my journey. I too am going to 3 destinations (Denver, Boulder and Colorado Springs). I decide to read one section per place, and let the themes of her travels influence mine.

My first location is Denver. My intention is to explore the city as a possible new place to live. I hang out in different communities, go to coffee shops, city parks and public attractions to meet the people that live there and tap into the vibe of this town. I do have an intention to eat a lot as well. I need to make sure there is good Thai food and good Mexican food if I am going to live here (there is).

The second leg of my adventure takes me to Boulder, a smaller city deeper in the mountains. This is where Naropa University is located. I have a dream of going to this college to get my Masters Degree in Somatic Psychology. I meet the head of the department and sit in on a Movement Therapy class to experience the energy of the school. I take the contents of the class with me into the mountains were I pray for 3 days. And yes, I did buy prayer beads in Boulder, which are featured on the cover of this book.

My final destination is Colorado Springs. I have several friends in the area, one of which I have known for over 20 years. They are a great group of Harley Davidson Bike riders and avid Rocky Mountain campers. I stay with them for several days, sinking into the joyful experience of community and love created from friendship and camaraderie.

Eat. Pray. Love. is an amazing book. I highly recommend you read it. This was my third time reading it, and it still inspires me to expand more fully into the moment and into the magic of adventure. It is here, in the fullness of the now that I am able to open up to receive the pleasure of love and the continual embrace of God.

If you would like to see images from the first part of my trip, see YouTube Video Creations on the side bar.