Grief Into Newness

SoulCollage card I created as I started to
come though the other side of Grief. 

I recently went through a deep embodied period of time exploring and experiencing Grief. Earlier this year I had some physical things show up in my body that stopped me in my tracks; putting me in the space of contemplating mortality and preparing for death. 

I saw the experience for what it was and stepped fully into it, permissioning myself to go all the way. I kneeled at the altar of mortality for weeks, sobbing deep levels of grief, vomiting for days from the core of my belly, releasing twisted knots of sorrow burrowed in the depths of me from lifetimes of evolution. 

I started making my will, getting rid of things, contemplating the after-life, the before-life, and the infinity of it all connected together. Then I went deeper, grieving for all the ways I’ve failed to bring divinity to life. Grieving for all the ways I’ve denounced God and failed to show up fully for the most important relationship in my life. I grieved for all the ways I’ve let myself down; fessing up and owning up to my role in it all. 

Going throughout this experience with Witness consciousness engaged,  seeing it and experiencing it at the same time, was extremely powerful. 

I slowly started to rise up from the depths of the underworld, realizing I wasn’t dead yet. As I prepared to die, I started to ask myself, how can I prepare to live? This was a turning point for me, the shift that started to bring Living back into awareness. I had been a consort to death for weeks, Life  now wanted some of me back. 

I began to take more ownership in my ability to heal myself.  I listened more fully to my inner authority and made choices from that propulsion. I enacted a ritual wedding in nature, uniting myself with my primary lovers; God, Self and The Moment (lovely threesome). I began making commitments to Life and started re-engaging the fundamentals of living. 

Card I created as I started to own

the power of the depths:

Water Dragon Energy.

I stand now in the deepening of this practice, holding the forces of life and death simultaneously. Letting this union, the yin and the yang, the light and the dark, strengthen me. Letting it bring power into my human body, into my human life. To expand courage into divine living, and permission  my yearning soul to live more authentically. 

This is what my Spring has been about. It has not been about hiking, photography or workshops. It has been about dying, and living, being present, and showing up for what shows up. It is in this cauldron of actualities and improbabilities, in the mixture of  imagination and intuition, that I step into New Moon ritual tonight. 

Tonight is the last New Moon of Spring. This is the moon cycle that will carry us into the Summer Solstice. Tonight I stand in the darkness of this pregnant void, letting the primordial ooze of my being birth something new in and through me. Growing this intention as the moon gains light each night, honoring the life I have and the authentic fullness that wants to be expressed through my living.  

This consciousness will carry me into Summer; the season of fire, sun and warrior energy. And so the next leg of my journey will commence. Not due to planning on my part, but due to the natural evolution of time and being. The seasons carry me though life and death, through the infinity of light and dark. I simply ride her back,  legs quivering as I hold on, hair flying through the cosmos, yelling Yippee. What a ride this is! 

Arrival

Mountain Range I drove alongside
on my way to Southern Colorado. I love the cloud
moving across the sky mirroring the snowy peaks. 

I arrived at my hotel in Alamosa. The man that checked me in was nice. No elevators, so I make several trips up the stairs with all my gear. After two trips, I am ready to settle in. I open my window and see that it opens to the inside courtyard of the hotel. This will not work. I need a window to the outside. I need to see the sun rise and set, and the moon wane this last moon cycle of winter. I am here to honor the season, and I need to see it! 

I request a new room. The man puts me in another room on the same floor so I don’t need to haul my gear down the stairs. The room is in the back of the hotel. I am the only one on this side. The room is not as nice as the other one, however, the window opens to the back alley, 
and that is more important to me. I take it. 

I start the process of moving my stuff from one room to the next. The man offers to help, however, I want and need the exercise; I make an adventure of it. Due to the hall structure of the hotel, I have to walk all the way around the hotel to move rooms. As I circumnavigate this new space that will be my home for the next 4 nights. I find myself calling in the directions of the medicine wheel. 

My first room was in the direction of south, which governs power, energy and Summer. My new room is in the north, the direction of Winter, the season I am here to honor. My new room anchors in the compass point of the season I am here to immerse myself in. Even the candy in the rooms is different. In my first room, they were white. In my new room, they are dark brown. The universe is amazing in how she lines up things.

I move my car closer to my room. To do so, I have to park at the back of the building where there is no one else. I appreciate the theme of this dark alleyway as an entry portal into my final winter ceremony. I step out of my car, look up, and see a huge shooting star fly across the cosmos. The universe lights up for me. A sign I am on the right path. 

I made a wish on the shooting star; I wished for love to enter all beings with every inhale. I take a deep breath myself, inhaling love for this exact moment, and officially welcome myself to my journey.   

I step into the ceremony of honoring winter and the lessons I moved through this season with the 2012 Shift. I move into the consciousness of wrapping up Winter and being prepared to step into the season of Spring from a more integrated and evolved standpoint. 

Global Warming & the Pine Beetle

In my Naturalist training with the Audubon Society we've been exploring the effects of increased CO2 (Carbon Dioxide) in our atmosphere, and how what is going on in Colorado effects the larger world.

The current increase of CO2 in our atmosphere comes largely from burning fossil fuels, such as combusting coal, driving cars and flying planes (basically participating in the western way of living we've created since the industrial revolution). This increase of CO2 is a leading cause of the global warming effects we are experiencing and leaving for our children and future generations. 

One of the models we explored was how the effects of the Colorado Pine Beetle ties into the larger ecological processes happening in the world. As many of you know, large amounts of pine trees are dying in Colorado due to the Pine Beetle. We have always had the Pine Beetle, but many of them would die off in the cold winters, which kept their effects contained. Due to global warming, winters in Colorado are not cold enough to kill the Pine Beetle, which has enabled them to proliferate at extreme rates, killing 80-90% of the pine trees in many Colorado counties. 

Trees are not only dying in Colorado, forests are dying all over the world, due to heat and water stress, deforestation and fire. As a result, more and more of the trees that take in and cleanse CO2 from our atmosphere are being reduced. CO2 has to go somewhere, and a lot of it is making it's way into our oceans, which in turn is making our oceans more acidic. Marine life forms the foundation of our food chain on so many levels. To turn our oceans into acid...well, that's just not a vital solution for the future if we want a healthy planet.  

Now back to the trees.... We have less snow falling, with less trees providing shade, which means the snow we do get melts faster, which means our drier summers are more intense, and with less water supplies fires becomes more destructive, which means more trees get destroyed, releasing more CO2 into the air... and the cycle continues and increases. 

Wowee...so much interconnectedness with what happens in one area of the world and how it affects everything else. The planet has gone through many shifts in it many billion of years; species have been wiped out due to many factors, and that may be a cycle we are moving into now. Those of you with children want a vital, alive and healthy place for your offspring to prosper. Those of us in love affairs with nature want the ecology of the planet to be healthy and vital, so animals can continue to rear their young and the oceans can continue to be clean waterways for life. So what can we do....?

First New Moon of 2013

SoulCollage card I created to honor
my New Year Intentions.

What a powerful moon cycle this has been! I remember the beginning of this cycle, the New Moon on Dec 13th, on the other side of The Shift, and setting my intentions for how I wanted to be present, receptive and authentic as I moved through the portal into the New Era. 

That buildup culminated in a beautiful celebration at Rhythm Sanctuary’s Winter Solstice event on Dec 20th, with amazing and profound insights activated. 

Then the moon became full on Dec 28. I celebrated this fullness with members of my community by “Spiraling through the Chakras” at an event I hosted at my home temple. Then, as the moon began to wane, I entered into a 6 day Death Lodge process, engaging in deep devotional work, honoring the shedding and release of the old. 

My first steps into the New Era were not bold and adventurous, they were tentative and hesitant. “How do I integrate my ideas and desires of transformation into an embodied reality?” 

This type of questioning supports my intention for this new year, which is to live the questions. My desire is not to define everything, but rather to live the questions:  “How can I love more fully today?” “How can I be more authentic in this now?” “How can I be a Clear Channel for the light?” Living these questions, and recommitting to them over and over again, and somewhere along the way, the answers will find their way into my soul, into my life, into my constant reality. 

And so here we are now, coming to the end of this powerful moon cycle, getting ready to enter back into the dark phase of the new moon, a time fertile with possibility. A great time to recommit to your soul intentions, to the new era you are birthing through how you live your life, internally and externally.  

What questions are you living? 

Cataclysmic Death

There are many theories around the 2012 Shift. I’ve been practicing and devoting myself to those aligned with the Winter Solstice birthing us into the Fifth Dimension; an era of time when we move from the state of individual and economic focus, to one based on community collaboration and sustainable living with the Earth. 

It may sound all nice and fluffy, with butterflies and rainbows, and yes, there is some of that along the way, however, this galactic activation portal has its hosts of portal poundings too. Releasing attachments and preoccupations with being comfortable are hard deaths for the ego to be transformed by. Death is explored in many cultures and Rites of Passage, such as Vision Quests and Death Lodges, the 2012 Shift simply takes it to a cosmic level. 

As I deepen my attunement with principles of the 2012 Shift, I find myself exploring the “darker side”. I watched a video on YouTube that talks about the Pole Shift and the cataclysmic events that humans will perish from as a result. This is not the vision I want to hold, however, as I watched the video, I felt charge in my body, and tears form in my eyes. Rather then judge the content of the video as good/bad, wrong/right, I wanted to work with what was coming up for me, and know something deeper. 

So, I started a “Cataclysmic Death Meditation Practice”. For several days I meditated on the apocalyptic visions of 2012. The tales of Revelation; tidal waves wiping out coastlines, volcanos erupting like Vesuvius, killing mankind and animals alike, covering us in ash and returning us to the Earth. In my meditations I saw my friends and loved ones on the West Coast drown in the tidal waves of the ocean. I felt sadness seeing the massive loss of people I love die. Seeing them perish and still hold love in my heart, and still be present in the Witness, without pulling away from sadness or clinging to salvation, was a big shift in my personal evolution. 

Going deeper with my meditations, I see the rockies turning into massive volcanoes, erupting lava and blazing boulders, wiping out all of Colorado, and with it, all the people I know and love. I see me standing in front of the lava flow, with my cat in my arms. I feel fear as the lava rushes towards me. I feel the pain of my cats claws in my skin. I feel the sadness that she and I are going to die. Feeling into all these sensations, and being being present in it all too. Even in my annihilation, as my bones turn to ash, I am present, conscious. In the expiernace of the now. Holey Moley. 

I’ve done Vision Quests and Death Lodges and have explored the theme of death on many levels. Never before have I contemplated death on such a large scale. My devotion to this practice has opened my heart so much, and I have more clarity in this continuous moment of eternity. 

What comes to me through this practice is the admittance and understanding that the Earth is going to take me out one day. That is fact. When and how, is unknown, but it will happen. So what I do between now and then? Years ago I may have said I would quit my job and travel the world in my last month of life, or maybe have some awesome sex, or spend time with loved ones. All these activities sound fine, however, now I know what I want to do between now and then, whenever then is. I want to be conscious; conscious in my body, in my feelings, in my ego, in my fears, in my heart, in my relationships, in my words, in my truth, in my thoughts, in my every experience of now. Whatever activities happen in that space are simply activities, consciousness is where life is. That is how I want to live my life between now and then. 

It’s this experience that I took out with me on the dance floor this week at Rhythm Sanctuary. What a dance! There was a moment on the dance floor, when we were all in trance, and I saw us all dancing at the base of the volcano; us in ecstatic dance and love as it prepared to destroy us. We were all conscious, and alive, and in the moment, no matter what. We were committed to being present for the ride, all of it. 

I had an amazing dance with a woman, who for me, was the erupting volcano. I pulled her to me and fucked the volcano. Those of you that know me, know I do not curse a lot, however, in this context it fits. I fucked the lava. I fucked the spewing rocks. I ravished my annihilation, and in doing so, I came alive. It was orgasmic!! 

We all need death in our life on some level. Death of old paradigms,  death of attachments and preoccupations. However, since many of us are afraid of the “big” death, we fail to attend to the smaller ones in our live that support us in truly living. How can you honor death in your life? What contemplations are scary for your ego, and how can you be present with that pain, and stay open in the conscious heart at the same time? Great exercise to explore as we move into the 1 month countdown towards Winter Solstice. I love you all and am honored to me on this glorious ride with you. Nameste. 

Corporate Name Change

SoulCollage card I created that
represents this aspect of my life.

Many of you are not aware that I work in corporate america. I have been at my "day job" as a Sales & Marketing manager at a software development company (FDS) for over 18 years. Following is the email I just sent the whole company about my name change....this was a big step for me. It will be interesting to see how my energy dynamics change in the work place as I bring more Raven Shree into this aspect of my life. 

Hello Everyone in FDS land,

Jenni  Holloway here in Denver, CO….but not for long.

No, I am not moving from Denver, however, I am changing my name.

Over the past 2 years of living in Colorado, I’ve deeply immersed myself in nature; going out almost every weekend; exploring and communing with the mountains, rivers, mammals, insects, skyscapes….it’s all so delicious. The deeper I dive into my eco-logical self, the more SoulFULL my personal journey of evolution takes me. This immersion into nature has taken me into a deepening sense of who I want to be, and has played a large role in my name change.  There are MANY stories and meanings I could share with you to highlight the hows and whys of my name change, but that would be a REALLY LONG EMAIL….so here is a summary.

Holloway: I have not been in relationship with my biological family for almost 25 years. I am no longer part of that clan and to continue claiming their name makes no soulfull sense. I have wanted to release this name for years….and now I am, legally. It feels wonderful.

Jenni:  This name has served me well for 40 years. I appreciate and honor all the friendships, experiences and lessons this identity has brought into my life. However, I have outgrown this moniker. It no longer fits who I am, or who I want to be.  Many of you have known me as Jenni for years, and calling me by a new name will be challenging at first (it surely was for me).  It will take time to switch, however at this point, the only people left in my life that call me “Jenni” are my relationships at FDS…so now it’s time to start changing that.  

Shree:  My new last name is Shree. In Sanskrit the word Shree means “the effervescent light of the Divine”.  Light, joy, inspiration, radiance; these are all aspects of my soul gift. By claiming this name, I am more fully stepping into a vibrant aspect of my being and what I am here to offer the world. By claiming this as my last name, I am claiming a new family; I now belong to the tribe of Lightworkers.  Powerful Stuff.

Raven: My new first name is Raven. It seemed so improbable at first. On the surface, I associated it with black hair and a goth look. However, I’ve been working with Raven Totem Medicine for over 5 years, and the deeper I go with it, the more I have come to understand that this is the new name to carry me forward.  Raven calls in magic and mystery, and is a powerful shapeshifter. Raven teaches me how to father myself and deepens my underworld journey of soul.  

So, yes, my new name is Raven Shree.  A powerful name that honors the dark and light, the yin and the yang. I love it!

I am in the process of changing my name legally. I’ve completed my FBI and CBI background checks and have a court appearance soon for final approval. Then I move on to changing my SSN and drivers license. Once that is in place, it will be time to change my name on FDS stuff, which will probably start happening in a couple months.

Changing ones complete name is an intense and amazing experience. Living the identity of Jenni Holloway served me well for almost 40 years. However, it is time for me to release the confines of my first adulthood, so I can step more fully into the second adulthood I am creating - one based more fully on authenticity and soul. This is a huge milestone in my life path and I am excited about what the future holds. Thanks for letting me share a piece of my story and life with you, and thanks for reading this email all the way through.

Starting tomorrow I will be on a week-long vacation celebrating the completion of my 40th year of life (another big milestone in my life).I will connect with you on the other side when I get back into the office on August 28^th.

Many blessings to each and every one of you!

Ms. Raven Shree

Meeting My Mountain

Meeting My Mountain 

Over the past several months, my prayers have become ritual and ceremony, sometimes hours long. I pray with and to: the river, the mountains, the flesh of my community in ecstatic dance. I am coming to understand that ritual and sacred communion is a fundamental aspect of being Raven Shree. The more I claim this as part of my Soul Work, the greater the intensity and velocity of my Soul Journey becomes. 

About a month ago I was in the mountains praying in the river. Wild fires were raging throughout Colorado. Many people were praying for rain. We so wanted relief from the destruction happening throughout our communities. Standing on a mountain, in a river, I prayed for the rivers and streams to be arteries of respite for fleeing animals and soothing comfort for the heat-exhausted weary. Honoring the element of water with gratitude, humility and presence. I cried tears into the stream. Adding to the volume of safety I was praying for others, grieving to offer something of value to those who needed it.  

Shortly after this prayer-formance, in another section of forest, I saw an Entity. It happened so suddenly. It explored in front of my face. I saw it with my own eyes; tasted its grit in my mouth. The experience shook me; I had never experienced anything like that before. I contemplated this event for several days and came to understand that if I am going to pray big for the Light, I must also be able to stand up big to the Dark. It’s about balance. The deeper I go with claiming Raven Shree, the deeper I enter into both realms, both Light and Dark. Yin and Yang. 

Wowee - what a lesson. This experience on the mountain was part of my training, and I was ready to answer the call. The following weekend, I packed up my magical tools, knowing a bit more about what to expect, and set out, back to the mountain. This time alone, this time at night. I would spend the day playing in the Light, honoring the element of Shree, then descend into Dark as Raven and see what else I could learn from the Forest Entity. 

read about that adventure in the next post...